Huh?

So much has been going through my head lately. I feel so overwhelmed by life. I lost another family member last week and although it was expected, it still brought me down a notch. I'm so lonely and miserable. I want to be near my family. I am late to work every.....EVERY morning because I wake up and after laying in bed trying to talk myself in to getting up, I spend about an hour crying in my bathroom because I do not want to go out there and I think Marc just thinks that I am being lazy or that I am just trying to get out doing anything (I really don't want to talk about my job here so we will leave it at that)....I'm slowly losing it. Call it weak, call it selfish, call it whatever you want. I am sure what I am feeling isn't right or something.

What I feel exists and I am starting to have trouble hiding it. Now I am on these stupid hormone pills for some retarded medical issue alongside the diabetes that I don't have the time or money to tend to so I am extra everything...I hate feeling this way because there are so many BIGGER issues troubling this world I live in.

The whole Osama Bin Laden thing scares me to death. I don't understand it at all and I have my thoughts and opinions like everyone else. Those poor people in Alabama whose lives were turned upside down by the tornadoes that ripped through their tows, flooding in midwest.

Shouldn't I be happy? I have two awesome kids, a good man who I am marrying in less than a year and I am employed...what is wrong with me? My dad is so depressed, he is working so hard to keep busy, but now he is so exhausted and he is tired and still so sad. My mom sits in her room watching tv all day, she never comes out. My sister texts me everyday wishing she were dead...When these people are around me they come alive. My mom wants to go out, my dad laughs until he can't take it anymore and my sister cares again. For the first time in my life...I feel like they do...I need a me to come get me out of this dark place.

I'm losing my way. I don't see the light anymore, I'm losing this battle. It has been a very long time since I felt this way. Ha ha maybe I should start drinking again...nah it's not worth it. I saw my friends last night and I really did have a nice time, but the darkness just loomed under the surface. My photo shoot got cancelled so no extra $$ for me, but I can get over that.

Life is so strange. I can't believe I am 36 and still can't get this shit right.

This is the path to my wedding day....not a woe is me blog....sorry for the gloom and doom. I hope I feel better soon