So much has been going through my head lately. I feel so overwhelmed by life. I lost another family member last week and although it was expected, it still brought me down a notch. I'm so lonely and miserable. I want to be near my family. I am late to work every.....EVERY morning because I wake up and after laying in bed trying to talk myself in to getting up, I spend about an hour crying in my bathroom because I do not want to go out there and I think Marc just thinks that I am being lazy or that I am just trying to get out doing anything (I really don't want to talk about my job here so we will leave it at that)....I'm slowly losing it. Call it weak, call it selfish, call it whatever you want. I am sure what I am feeling isn't right or something.
What I feel exists and I am starting to have trouble hiding it. Now I am on these stupid hormone pills for some retarded medical issue alongside the diabetes that I don't have the time or money to tend to so I am extra everything...I hate feeling this way because there are so many BIGGER issues troubling this world I live in.
The whole Osama Bin Laden thing scares me to death. I don't understand it at all and I have my thoughts and opinions like everyone else. Those poor people in Alabama whose lives were turned upside down by the tornadoes that ripped through their tows, flooding in midwest.
Shouldn't I be happy? I have two awesome kids, a good man who I am marrying in less than a year and I am employed...what is wrong with me? My dad is so depressed, he is working so hard to keep busy, but now he is so exhausted and he is tired and still so sad. My mom sits in her room watching tv all day, she never comes out. My sister texts me everyday wishing she were dead...When these people are around me they come alive. My mom wants to go out, my dad laughs until he can't take it anymore and my sister cares again. For the first time in my life...I feel like they do...I need a me to come get me out of this dark place.
I'm losing my way. I don't see the light anymore, I'm losing this battle. It has been a very long time since I felt this way. Ha ha maybe I should start drinking again...nah it's not worth it. I saw my friends last night and I really did have a nice time, but the darkness just loomed under the surface. My photo shoot got cancelled so no extra $$ for me, but I can get over that.
Life is so strange. I can't believe I am 36 and still can't get this shit right.
This is the path to my wedding day....not a woe is me blog....sorry for the gloom and doom. I hope I feel better soon
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Happiness
I talk to my cousin, my sister, my mom, my dad and yes...myself. What is happiness? To me, it's not a fantasy, it's in ya head! Everyday when I am at work and I feel like going postal (and this happens very often). I look up at the pictures I have carefully pasted in a collage to my left, one in particular; Mike and Lydia are both kissing my cheeks and I am smiling.
That was November 13, 2010 at Robert Moses Beach. I had over $300 in insufficient funds in the bank, gas light on, phone about to be cut off, still fresh off losing my Step-Mom...I was happy. Nothing could ruin that day, and nothing did because I did not let it. I would not let it. We woke up, I made my house famous cinnamon brown sugar pancakes (so good you don't need syrup) and we ventured out to the beach because it was over 60 degrees out.
We packed our backpacks with bottled water, crystal light packets and whatever else we could scratch up from the cupboard and marched out the door at 12pm. We didn't come home until 4pm...covered in sand and exhausted. Happy.
We laughed and played all day. We even took a nap huddled together against the fence that separates the beach from the dunes. The pictures say it all (one of them even became my Christmas card photo). Happy Happy Happy! Broke, 3 weeks worth of laundry piled up against the wall in my kitchen (just in case you didn't know, not all apartments in NY come with a washer and dryer), no gas in my car, no clean clothes for work because dry cleaning is not in the plan (all I have to say is thank god for dryer sheets and a nice hot iron), HAPPY! It's in ya head I tell ya!
So go make your own happiness! I did (well at least for one day).
J
That was November 13, 2010 at Robert Moses Beach. I had over $300 in insufficient funds in the bank, gas light on, phone about to be cut off, still fresh off losing my Step-Mom...I was happy. Nothing could ruin that day, and nothing did because I did not let it. I would not let it. We woke up, I made my house famous cinnamon brown sugar pancakes (so good you don't need syrup) and we ventured out to the beach because it was over 60 degrees out.
We packed our backpacks with bottled water, crystal light packets and whatever else we could scratch up from the cupboard and marched out the door at 12pm. We didn't come home until 4pm...covered in sand and exhausted. Happy.
We laughed and played all day. We even took a nap huddled together against the fence that separates the beach from the dunes. The pictures say it all (one of them even became my Christmas card photo). Happy Happy Happy! Broke, 3 weeks worth of laundry piled up against the wall in my kitchen (just in case you didn't know, not all apartments in NY come with a washer and dryer), no gas in my car, no clean clothes for work because dry cleaning is not in the plan (all I have to say is thank god for dryer sheets and a nice hot iron), HAPPY! It's in ya head I tell ya!
So go make your own happiness! I did (well at least for one day).
J
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Best Man Forgot....
The engagement party...he thought it was this weekend so to make it up to us, he and his wife are taking us to dinner. So with that being said, I have to say...I'm not mad at him; but I am not going to stop him either.
I am not that person that thinks because you didn't come to my party that you suck or you didn't come to the hospital after the baby was born so you suck, you didn't go see my Mom when she was sick...and so on. We are who we are, we know our friends and family enough that when they forget or don't show up...we don't hold it against them, it's most likely due to their own lives getting in their way. So for the record Marcus...you suck!
Just kidding, we love you and we definitely do not hold it against you, forget the wedding and I will cut you brotha!
J
I am not that person that thinks because you didn't come to my party that you suck or you didn't come to the hospital after the baby was born so you suck, you didn't go see my Mom when she was sick...and so on. We are who we are, we know our friends and family enough that when they forget or don't show up...we don't hold it against them, it's most likely due to their own lives getting in their way. So for the record Marcus...you suck!
Just kidding, we love you and we definitely do not hold it against you, forget the wedding and I will cut you brotha!
J
Friday, February 18, 2011
Why Did I Change My Mind?
Honestly? Because he's a good man and I'd be stupid to let him go. I mean after all of these years and everything we have been through, to throw it away. We've never broken up (well not in the last 6 years and that only last 3 months), we make up while we are fighting. I still get giddy when he calls, when he smiles, when he comes home from work and when I look at his pictures. I miss him when I am away visiting my sister (we talk on the phone the whole time I am there) and I miss him when he is gone too.
So I had to weigh the pros and cons...
Con....having a baby after 35
Pros...all of the above and much much more!
So now that we have paid off all of my debt, we are paying off his debt (we are already almost done) and buying him a new car (FINALLY)! So around Christmas time we got engaged...so weird he's now my fiance. A whole bunch of drama (from David and Celia of course, because we actually made plans and paid for them while they were just toying with the idea and didn't have anything set up or paid for), we just wanted a small exchange of vows with our parents present (and my kids of course) and they swear we were trying to do something to them.
Right, I decided to spend the rest of my life with a man just to piss YOU off...yeah no one was really thinking about you.
ANYWAY! We decided to have an engagement party instead and pushed the wedding date out to next February which gives me more time to really plan things out. I'm very excited, I got the dress picked out, Carmen is making my veil, Eileen is making the flowers for my hair and Lulu is making my bouquet! We are getting married at his parents house in PR. His mom insisted after the fiasco with his brother; she was so embarrassed, but I told her it's not her fault, it's whatever. And that is the last time I am giving them any attention.
The engagement party is tomorrow, I'm really excited, I love his family, they are so nice and so much fun!
Signing off to Skype with my family!
Sunny
So I had to weigh the pros and cons...
Con....having a baby after 35
Pros...all of the above and much much more!
So now that we have paid off all of my debt, we are paying off his debt (we are already almost done) and buying him a new car (FINALLY)! So around Christmas time we got engaged...so weird he's now my fiance. A whole bunch of drama (from David and Celia of course, because we actually made plans and paid for them while they were just toying with the idea and didn't have anything set up or paid for), we just wanted a small exchange of vows with our parents present (and my kids of course) and they swear we were trying to do something to them.
Right, I decided to spend the rest of my life with a man just to piss YOU off...yeah no one was really thinking about you.
ANYWAY! We decided to have an engagement party instead and pushed the wedding date out to next February which gives me more time to really plan things out. I'm very excited, I got the dress picked out, Carmen is making my veil, Eileen is making the flowers for my hair and Lulu is making my bouquet! We are getting married at his parents house in PR. His mom insisted after the fiasco with his brother; she was so embarrassed, but I told her it's not her fault, it's whatever. And that is the last time I am giving them any attention.
The engagement party is tomorrow, I'm really excited, I love his family, they are so nice and so much fun!
Signing off to Skype with my family!
Sunny
Really?
If I tried to get you all caught up on what has happened in less than 2 months, I'd be here all night. Let's just say that I am really surprised at how quickly a person can turn on you. I really did still love and care for David, now I have given up. I even pushed aside the nonsense with Celia so that we can all just move forward and be a family.
But she isn't like that, she really has people believing that I am 100% wrong. I know I am not. What really happened? Cecilia asked if there was a way to find out if "people" were checking her MySpace page; I told her let me take care of it. I wrote something (something pretty stupid I have to add) and of course, we got a reaction confirming that her page was being checked, now I must admit what followed wasn't exactly the nicest thing to do or say. I admitted that you know, I tried getting the door open so that I could formally apologize to all parties involved, simply because it wasn't nice.
I sent an email. No reply. That was all I needed, that is how I knew that it was not about what I said, it had nothing to do with me being "mean" or "racist" even though Latino isn't a race, it's an ethnicity so I guess I am an Ethnist? Celia's issues with me had nothing to do with the banter on MySpace and more to do with the fact that I had befriended David's flavor of the minute (sorry Cece) when they broke up.
She referred to my home as an undesirable place for her son (now who isn't being very nice?) and I am sure the word Bitch has crossed her forked tongue when the topic of me came up.
But that was over 4 years ago! Really? <---look it's the title of my blog!
Now David is talking smack about me so easily as if it were all a lie, as if it were all a front just to use us. So I guess he used us? It hurts...a lot, but I move on, I have to.
I can only hope and pray this whole thing resolves itself. I'm trying not to be angry, but I can't help it...I am a little mad, but it will pass, life is too short to hold on to something like this.
But she isn't like that, she really has people believing that I am 100% wrong. I know I am not. What really happened? Cecilia asked if there was a way to find out if "people" were checking her MySpace page; I told her let me take care of it. I wrote something (something pretty stupid I have to add) and of course, we got a reaction confirming that her page was being checked, now I must admit what followed wasn't exactly the nicest thing to do or say. I admitted that you know, I tried getting the door open so that I could formally apologize to all parties involved, simply because it wasn't nice.
I sent an email. No reply. That was all I needed, that is how I knew that it was not about what I said, it had nothing to do with me being "mean" or "racist" even though Latino isn't a race, it's an ethnicity so I guess I am an Ethnist? Celia's issues with me had nothing to do with the banter on MySpace and more to do with the fact that I had befriended David's flavor of the minute (sorry Cece) when they broke up.
She referred to my home as an undesirable place for her son (now who isn't being very nice?) and I am sure the word Bitch has crossed her forked tongue when the topic of me came up.
But that was over 4 years ago! Really? <---look it's the title of my blog!
Now David is talking smack about me so easily as if it were all a lie, as if it were all a front just to use us. So I guess he used us? It hurts...a lot, but I move on, I have to.
I can only hope and pray this whole thing resolves itself. I'm trying not to be angry, but I can't help it...I am a little mad, but it will pass, life is too short to hold on to something like this.
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